I'm a jaded butterfly that will fly away..

2009-12-24T01:28:00.001+08:00

Oh melancholy,
Won't you tie yourself tightly around my neck,
Like a noose,
And squeeze the life out of me.
Chain yourself around my ankles,
and leave me passive.

For melancholy, i am in love with thee, and only thee.

-goddessfreja, 2007

2009-12-24T00:39:00.003+08:00

I've been a little evasive lately, ignoring calls/messages selectively. I've been slowly, but steadily crawling back into my Cancerian shell. If you have been a victim of my indifference, please kindly forgive me.

I thought i was good, but it turned out to be that the healing had only taken place on the surface, and there were much deeper scars and emotional baggages that stemmed from deep within. So deep that it was not possible to feel, or see.

When the betrayal can never be forgotten, and when it comes to remind you occasionally- more often than not you don't know how to deal with the pain anymore.

After months of being an empty shell, condemned and inhabitable, i suppose its better now.. A little repaired, probably likening it to a small window that allows a slight ray of sunshine, but other than that - broken down and probably no amount of investment would work in fixing the broken.

Am i depressed? I refuse to think so, or to allow such negativity seep into my thought processes. I liken my vices and recent shenanigans to a phase, merely something that i have to go through in order to heal.

I have done a lot of things i am far from being proud of. The piercings were fine, they were just a way to deal with the pain. The thought of inking myself was mad, crazy and i'm not going to allow it to happen although it is very very etched in my mind. It's like as though i've allowed the Devil in, and take some sort of control. But i'm gonna take back the control. This is all really really not me. I'm not this person.

I emailed Khalid recently, with no intent of seeking friendship or reconciliation. It was a platform for me to ask how he was, as a concerned party. And i was surprised when he replied, gracefully and nicely.. No harsh words, nothing hurtful. He's not doing well, but all i can render is some nice words, and encouragement. I'm not there anymore to pick him up. This time, he would have to do it on his own.

Things were taking a plunder and a downward spiral lately. But i hope it's gonna look up.

2009 was a completely nightmare in a lot of ways, but it came with such valuable, inspiring lessons, it came with losses and gains, it came with surprises, albeit incredibly painful.

I can be broken and beaten to the ground. I can be forgetful of my Creator sometimes, I can be a sinner in many ways.. But my faith's intact.

And faith is what's gonna keep me going for 2010. And i've faith it's gonna be amazing. Don't you think so?

R's coming back, i'm gonna start UniSim, get a car insyaallah and save up for Egypt. And lose more weight and look hot! haha. Sounds fulfilling really. =)

Come what may. Just come what may.

2009-12-17T23:01:00.003+08:00

"Your whole world has been ripped from you. Everything you've known to be true is false: your sense of security, your sense of self-worth, everything — everything — is totally different from the moment you find out."

I was reading an article on cheating couples who made their marriage work and the above quote sorts of hits home. Real close i must say..

Never quite found the words to describe the initial pain, the shock, the grief, the disappointment and the many many boxful of emotions that accompanied the 'finding out'.

You ask yourself again and again.. "What do I do now?" You probably don't know cause your emotions are completely unstable. And you go through the motions of crying, not sleeping, not eating, crying, crying and crying. And one day, it just stops.

I don't know how it happened, but i suppose R had something to do with it.

Months on, there will always be repercussions. The constant benchmarking of new people against the ex.. and the issue of trust.

"Trust is still a struggle, and it always will be."

How do you deal with that? I dont know, and i still am not sure. Its unfair to the next person to bear the brunt of a previous grievance no? That said, i doubt i will be so kind as to give anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore really. And i'm not going to blame myself for the 'disability'.

At the end of the day, after seeing so many failed relationships and marriages, one cannot help but be cynical.

There is no automatic 'happily ever after' really.. You get out of /relationships marriage what you put into it. =)

And if you think you've put your heart, soul, mind and whatever have-yous into it, then maybe its time to step back and look at the bigger picture. You have to perceive it from an outsider's point of view cause most times, you're just blind when you're in it.

And get out if its not right. It's easier to stay, to avoid the many fears of loneliness + being left on the shelf.. But staying because it's a comfort zone doesn't make it right or better.

If it's shit from the start, trust me when i say that the shit can only get worst.

At the end of the day, faith's important. If you have faith, and you put in effort, you'll eventually make it to a good place.

Who knows right? =)

2009-12-14T14:34:00.001+08:00

Never give up...

Because love always wins.

2009-12-09T23:52:00.003+08:00

Location: Ibis Hotel, Patong
Time: 2305 BKK time
Mood: mish-mish mash of emotions.

Phuket has been nothing but fantastic. Everything supercedes my expectations really so far. From the really friendly people to the gorgeous Patong beach, amazing sunsets and sunrise, gorgeous and comfy hotel room, amazing company and complete wild fun, i couldnt ask for more.

Granted, there isnt much to buy here as compared to Bangkok, and the only shopping ive done is for my brothers.

So anyways, i brought my laptop along to company me while i mope around the hotel room alone.

Truth be told, i didn want to come along because i was so afraid of being alone. Ive travelled alone in the past, but its been so long. And even until tonight, the second night, i dont know how to fill this empty space in my heart, with no one to snuggle up to before i sleep, with no one filling in that space beside me, and no one to make me laugh and dance silly in the room.

I spent so many nights with Khalid during our trips that staying alone is making me so lost. I'm not fearful, and neither do i want just any random person for company.

I fill my days and nights when im alone with MTV, Twilight books and my laptop. I told myself that i have to inflict this hurt upon myself to get over it. I am stronger than i give myself credit for. And pretty good, i haven't cried over anything.

I completely enjoy the company of Yany and Is, but when i'm back here, its like returning to nothingness, and it scares me in ways i cant explain.

I have done things i am not proud of lately, and i wont bother trying to justify myself. An escape perhaps, from the occasional painful reminders.. the constant ringing of reminder and hurt when i walk past the bars and the pubs filled with hostesses.. To whom i lost someone that was very much so dear to me.

Ah no, no blames to external parties. Everything happens for a reason. And time flies really. Its been almost 5 months. 5 months that passed by so incredibly quickly.

Things are better now than they were 2-3 months ago. It can only get better i hope.

I dreamt about Khalid a few nights ago. I do hope he's doing ok. And no, i dont miss him in a romantic kind of way. I'm just more interested to know abt his well-being and things like that. But as you know, we're not on talking terms or anything like that. So much for always looking out for me, heh. I guess people change, circumstances changes people.

That said, there are lot of changes thats been happening in this life of mine. Not that i would divulge much. I am a little wary of that now.

But when all that is said, theres one person i miss so incredibly much now.. And that person is R. sigh sigh sigh.

4 more weeks is sheer torturous. But like i mentioned, if its meant to be, things will fall into place really. Life really has its own unique, universal miracles.

so have faith. Mine's still going strong. No hope, but only faith.

2009-12-01T17:54:00.002+08:00

Hello.

Its been too long hasn't it? i just decided that sharing too much wasn't doing me any good.

Its been a hectic November, with many many late nights at work. Many important events, one of which: witnessing dearest Nona get engaged and make her way down the road towards eternal marital bliss insyaAllah.

I'm dating someone yes. He's nothing short of amazing and he's absolutely perfect for me. But as usual, perfection is kinda an illusion. There are circumstances which i would not reveal that would make this union highly unlikely.

But i've learnt to bask myself in the moment and live one day at a time. At this very moment, R makes me incredibly happy. We spend many nights at different beaches, talking, debating and teasing each other silly. The nature of R's job brings him overseas every 5-6 weeks for about 1.5 months.

And like i told him, "5 weeks is enough to forget someone". It is, indeed.

No hopes, no expectations. Just faith that if it was meant to be, everything would fall in place surely.

Being with Khalid has taught me one very important thing; that possession does to equate to anything because there are no absolutes in life. That said, i'm just trying my best to have faith again.

Its not easy. And even with R, he finds me incredibly detached and aloof. I can't help being guarded. I suppose its a case of once bitten, twice shy perhaps?

I can't explain how i love being around R. I feel at ease when he holds me, and he makes me laugh with his driving with one hand antic just so he could hold my hand in the car. He sends me to work everyday in the morning and picks me up occasionally. We both enjoy the beach very much and we'd sit for hours. He talks and i listen, cause i don't say much these days. He would teach me things about vessels, the stars and many many things.

No, i do not have those kind of feelings for R. All i know is that he makes me very very happy, something that was lacking even when i was with Khalid towards the end of our relationship. And i'm happy the way it is.

To be honest, something in my gut tells me that this is not right for some reason. R is the right kind of wrong. And i don't think he'd be around for long due the the circumstances. But like i said, i'm really glad i met him. And even if it doesn't lead to anything, this would be one of the things that helped me back up on my feet properly.

R, i thank God i met you. You're nothing short of amazing. Thank you for making believe that it could be possible to feel again, to want to have faith again.

Its been a month exactly, and maybe many more months if it was meant to be. 5 weeks without you around would be a real test for both of us.

And we'll see. Come what may. =)

2009-11-17T07:22:00.002+08:00

almost 4 months. Better now. Haven't cried in a long while. Work's crazy, but crazy is good.

Yes i do miss you. But i have to thank God for the people he sent to me to keep me afloat, and sane.

Love blossoming? Nah, not so soon. But maybe, baby. You never know.

2009-11-06T20:56:00.001+08:00

it's been a long time.

many changes.

happiness, soon enough. =)

2009-10-24T13:33:00.002+08:00

i hardly blog these days. Its not because i don't have anything worth sharing, or that life has been mundane and stagnant. Far from it i would say.

But things are just all over the place, and my emotions and horribly complex at this time..

sometimes, sometimes i just think...Won't someone pull the trigger on me already?

cause i'm so so tired of this shit.

2009-10-22T18:44:00.001+08:00

sometimes i think im ok.

then i see things that reminds me of you.

Three months of hell, of emptiness, of learning to walk all over again, learning to live again.

i still haven't lived.

sometimes i think, i'm better off dead.

2009-10-16T00:12:00.002+08:00

in merriment, in sorrow, in agony, in love, in trouble, in amazement and peace.

together, always, forever.

i'm settled now, almost there. Just a little more.

Almost at peace, with faith and a renewed sense of hope.

Life's short, be happy. =)

i hope you're happy.

2009-10-14T00:15:00.001+08:00

so busy, i hardly have time to breathe.

So flustered and bogged down, i don't have time to mourn. Except for nights curled up in bed, you come and haunt my memories.

But God'll show me the way to resolvement, and the way to close my heart to you, forever.

2009-10-09T08:18:00.002+08:00

For all that its worth, you can continue judging me. Only Allah will judge me, for only Allah knows the true content of my heart and my intentions.

I am only answerable to Him, and no one else.

For every action that any human being takes, there are consequences and repercussions.

For you, me, or another random stranger, nothing comes free in this world. We will pay for our actions one day, be it sooner or later.

May Allah have mercy on all our souls.

2009-10-08T12:58:00.002+08:00

i'm this close to giving up. But i won't. Cause i won't give you that satisfaction. God will show me the way, lead me and guide me.

And God will give you your dues, that i promise you.

Losing everything is at the same time the scariest, as well as the most... liberating experience you can have. When you have something, - anything, you've got to protect it from disappearing. And so worry becomes a resident in your heart. When you've got nothing, your heart overflows with gratitude for every offering you receive.

2009-10-07T20:00:00.001+08:00

motherfucker.

2009-10-06T23:42:00.002+08:00

I was this close to sucuumbing.

Thank Allah for distractions. Thank Allah for keeping my head high still and my dignity intact.

2009-10-05T22:24:00.002+08:00

Every minute of his life has since been marked by her absence, every action has lacked dimension because she is not there to meaure against. Now i know how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird.: Henry Detamble, The Time Traveller's Wife

These dreams of you, reminds me. How i used to run my fingers over you. I still do sometimes, in the dark shadowing your outline.

And then i fall asleep, my pillows laced with tears, fears and regret.

I miss you so much, i don't know how to do this anymore.

Sometimes i feel abandoned, alone and empty. Completely empty even in the midst of so many.

2009-10-04T02:55:00.002+08:00

3am.

My morning entries seem to be getting pretty often, and vivid. Times like this, you know you your friends are. And who are the people who will go out of their way to be there for you.

I know, i know some of us have incredibly busy lives.. So i'd like to thank all these people, in random order.

Kaithri: for being there all the time, anytime. For pulling me out of this shit, for holding my hand when i falter.

Yany + Iskandar: Its because of the 2 of you tt i stay sane on weekends, and weekday nights. Thank you for letting me into your lives, and be part of it although i macam lamp post. And i look forward to December. And 12.12.12 =)

Dominic: For being the most incredible friend. i never tot i'd find that in you but i did. And its so special. And you know i love you Dom, in that platonic kinda way.

Hafidzah: For being there for me at 3am under my block. For your words of encouragement and being a listening ear. I'm glad you found love, my dear.

Anuar: For being that elder brother i never had. 10 years on, you'll always hold a special place in my heart.

And to all those who were there, or who gave a damn. Thank you.

In this aspect, i am truly blessed with such incredible friends.

2009-10-03T12:26:00.001+08:00

I miss him so incredibly much. I haven felt this sense of despondence that is so deep in a long time. I don't know how to describe this emptiness.

Its just a big aching void.

Come back sometime, won't you?

i forgive you, i forgive you, and i forgive you.

2009-10-02T18:34:00.002+08:00

Clare Abshire (after Henry's death): Sometimes i wake up and reach for Henry. Sleep erases all differences, then and now; dead and living. I am past hunger, past vanity, past caring. I look dead. I want nothing.

If there is really a God (sometimes i am just beyond doubt, god forbid i know), please show me something, a light to help me through.

Because i am just sinking, and i don't believe anymore.

2009-10-01T15:28:00.002+08:00

Nor Time, nor Place, nor Chance, nor Death can bow/my least desires unto the last remove. - Henry Detamble, The Time Traveler's Wife

one last time, one last kiss, one llast embrace.. Maybe just one last night would null the pain.

2009-10-01T01:08:00.002+08:00

They say time heals all wounds. Sometimes, just sometimes i wonder if that is true, and if not.. Would death be the only time when the pain would then cease?

Too much thinking, too much analysing. Too much pain, its all too much for me to take.

Clare Abshire: I wouldn't change one second of our life together. (The Time Traveller's Wife)

And i wouldn't. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. The fool i am.

2009-09-29T20:41:00.002+08:00

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are - Anais Nin.

How true and how apt. Many of us have our set of preconceived notions and perspectives, and very rarely do we accept challenges to our faith so lightly.

How many of us do things unconditionally, most times? Its in the human nature to expect a return of sorts, something like a barter trade. Kinda turns the deed into a mere obligation, than a sincere want isn't it?

You know, being misunderstood hurts a great deal. Over time when you get hit again and again, you'd somehow think that you would be desensitised.. Then you never get immune. It just accumulates into one helluva fireball. Especially by people who matters, or on mattered.

In times like this, when all seems so incredibly hopeless.. And you feel lost and abandoned, is when God sends someone to you. Ive always believed that everyone you meet in the little yellow brick road that you take through life, is meant to teach you something, somehow, somewhere.

No person is too insignificant, and close attention should be paid to those who form an integral part of your life. That said, i recently met someone who was like me. Cingy, possesive, overly manja sometimes and more.

I always thought i was someone who would enjoyed being smothered and suffocated by the attention, but i was wrong. Dead wrong. Barely one week, and i surrender. Its too much for me to take.

So for Khalid to withstand this for 4.5yrs, i take my hat off to him.

And lesson learnt, now i know how it feels, now i realise wt ive been doing. Expensive lesson, v expensive lesson to lose the person so dear to you.

But we've no one else to blame but ourselves for our indifference and stubborness.

2009-09-29T16:55:00.002+08:00

I'm so thankful for you in my life baby brother. You're my pillar of strength, my shoulder to cry on, my confidante, my flesh and blood.

And you probably wouldn't know it, but i'd lay my life down for you.

2009-09-27T03:21:00.001+08:00

The fall of Eros & Psyche

forgive my weaknesses,
for your warm embrace i yearn.
Like a gentle fulfilled decadence,
feeding voracious appetites.

Flittering plunders of this savage beat (heart),
ignore the blinding presentiments,
of a much possible catastrophe.

of two broken hearts,
This impetus decision in my soliloquy i question.

Thoughts dance like a languid waltz,
slow, steady with unwarranted placidity,
so smooth it scares.

Emancipation i seek.
Is this the answer the One above has for me?

If divine intervention has come,
is this what i want
or merely what i need?

And the reign of Eros and Psyche
Comes crumbling, like an avalanche.
Never to be rebuilt.

Sabreena: 18 July 2006

2009-09-27T02:52:00.002+08:00

3am.

Various thoughts lingering in my head. I ought to be asleep really. But quiet nights like this with Buddha Bar accompanying me, i feel a surge of thoughts and emotions that needs to be penned down.

After you get your heart hurt so bad, and you start healing, you will begin to do one thing. You will be guarded, crawl into your shell and be wary and cautious. You will refuse to trust, and you will benchmark every person against the one you had.

You will compare tirelessly and endlessly the two people, their traits and personalities.

For so long i was searching for someone like me. And now, when he pops up in front of me, i don't want it. I'm incredibly detached and closed up, which is a v rare thing. Guarded to the point that i disgust myself.

Perhaps i'm just not ready. I refuse to allow any kind of emotional attachment to anyone. I don't trust, never did and never will.

I don't want to hurt you. I don't think someone as nice as you deserves crap from me like this. And God, you're so perfect for me, and you mirror me. But they say opposites attract.

But now, im just gonna hold back. If it happens, it will happen. If it was meant to be, it will be. So live, and be happy.

Happiness, is indeed a state of mind.

2009-09-26T11:59:00.001+08:00

Cause love's just magical and always always worth laying down your life for.

2009-09-26T11:18:00.002+08:00

back in action. very very soon, i promise!

2009-09-21T17:47:00.001+08:00

2009-09-21T16:16:00.001+08:00

There's so much to share, so many stories to tell..

Of my brother's op, of Khalid's car accident, of daddy in hospital.. But no words nor enthusiasm to be blogging long and lengthy entries.

Its been too tying, to the point of exhaustion and hopelessness

I'm trying hard to keep my faith intact cause that's all i have left.

Eid Mubarak dear friends, may this new year bring us hope, faith, happiness and strength.

2009-09-19T22:03:00.001+08:00

2009-09-15T08:28:00.002+08:00

How does anyone deal with the possibility that your ex boyfriend might be moving away to the Phillipines just like that? Especially knowing the kinda shit hes going to face. Yes he betrayed me, but he's still v dear to me. You think i dont feel anything knowing the deep grave hes digging for himself.

this facade is giving way. this strong front is collapsing. So many things on my platter, not just this.

This is a very very trying Ramadhan.

its all breaking down, falling apart. i wish i could be more optimistic, but im getting really exhausted in all ways.

i dont know what to do anymore except hope and pray that things will change for the better.

2009-09-14T12:30:00.002+08:00

As i take long bus rides in the morning, i'd have a pocketful of thoughts to pen down. But when i finally get to it, i don't remember half of it anymore.

I'm so wary, so cautious now. There's one who's really caught my eye.. but he's just as wary and detached as i am. Great, isn't it?

heh.

Khalid's occasional emo emails really make me sink. Everytime i read them, i feel myself falling apart just like day one. You think tt it doesn hurt me, knowing he's suffering in the hands of tt bitch? Of course it does. But there's nothing i can do anymore.

So hard, everything's falling to pieces, and so am i. This facade of ok-ness gets harder and harder to keep up with each waking day.

2009-09-14T00:16:00.001+08:00

it was surreal, and yet competely heartbreaking as i sat down for iftar in the midst of 10 others (khalid's cousins + mutual friends) + yet feeling completely alone. My heart was crying within.

Every dish we ordered was something he enjoyed. And he used to be there with me, beside me, for me to hold, to lay my head on, to just breathe in his warm embrace.

And yet now, as i walk within these people, i felt completely empty, completely void, and completely lost.

2009-09-09T20:03:00.002+08:00

ive been staying out late late late, with friends. Karaoke, dinners, work sessions, lepak sessions, conversations... nasi lemak supper, movie dates, photoshoots.

i'm blessed, but i cnt deny this missing in my heart. Ive deleted him from my msn/yahoo today. tt leaves room for no contact, which is good cause we're killing each other with spites, snaps and horrible sarcasm when we talk to each other.

and i dont need that. i'm already walking ard with a ripped heart as it is. so yeah. =)

nothing for me this raya, no new clothes, no new shoes (just grab some unworn one from my 20 over new pairs), no new bags.

complete detachment, and if i cld i dont even want to go visiting. I'd have to explain things to people when they ask the fucking age old question abt marriage and someone might piss me off to the point tt i throw some kuih bottles at them, i foresee.

be strong , be strong, be strong.

now i need a smoke + some peace to do my work.

2009-09-06T01:44:00.001+08:00

Its been a little quiet here. Its not that there's nothing happening in my life, but the drama is just a little overwhelming for me sometimes.

I'm so soft, so fragile and ive been this way all my life, so this whole saga has been a bit too much.

Sometimes i recoil into my shell where its safe, away from everyone but i know people worry. And i can't thank them enough, all those who've been there for me thruout these trying times.

I miss Khalid, so much that no words could describe it. This holy month, this Raya feels empty and very different.

All i can hope is that God doesn't abandon me, cause i really dont know where else to go.

2009-09-04T11:27:00.000+08:00

when it comes, it comes in tidal waves.

Oh god, i've missed you so much these past few days. Feels like a rock's hanging from my heart.

Please take this pain away dear Allah.

2009-09-01T10:34:00.003+08:00

So how am i now? Its been a while hasn't it? I have been toooooooo busy hanging out with my colleagues/friends and meeting new people that this blog has been neglected.

Im just enjoying this whole singledom thingy, it comes rather new and unexpected. And truth be told, am uber rusty when it comes to dating and sorts. But getting used to it, and getting use to new male attention lol.

Do i think of Khalid? Hell yes i do. When i step into certain places, i take in deep breaths and will myself not to falter or cry or fall apart. But i do think of him, everyday, every waking moment.

Do i miss Khalid? That seems like a rhetorical question. Undoubtedly, when someone has been an integral part of your life for so long, you're bound to miss the person.

Its been about 1.5 months now. I get better each day. As much as it is easier to mope and crawl into my shell where its safe... i don't want to do that anymore. Theres so much tt i missed on while in the relationship, and its time to live my life the way i should live it.

work's keeping me occupied, and i really thank God for my colleagues. Fidzah, Wan, Dominic and Stephen. Without them, i'd be a complete mess.

And of course, so darn lucky to have tons of other good friends around me.

Its a Tuesday, Happy Teacher's Day. I'm off to do something to my hair today. cant stand it anymore. =)

till laters lovely people.

2009-08-29T14:44:00.001+08:00

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing. - Anais Nain.

2009-08-28T16:36:00.002+08:00

So i had a dream last night... I dreamt that i was pregnant. I never usually google dream intepretations, but this one astounded me because i never had such a dream before..

and then it says..

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

pretty good dream i'd say! I'm off for a date tonight, nervous as hell but haha. let's just go for it. =)

2009-08-27T12:39:00.002+08:00

The worst thing about having my menses is not abt the fasting part. Its about the fact tt my only mode of solace has been taken away, my ability to pray.

So to compensate, i smoke a lot when in deep thought. Ah, bad for the skin.

But hey, ive cut down a lot. Initially after the breakup i was on a pack a day. Now, one pack 2-3 days, even 4. so yeah.

Its not something long term, knowing how anal i am about my skin lol.

But ah, periods bring about crying bouts of uncontrollableness, and more emotional brouhaha.

not good, not good.

2009-08-26T21:23:00.001+08:00

Nobody said it would be easy, but nobody said it was impossible either.

2009-08-26T10:17:00.002+08:00

Ever since u started coming back, the sleepless nights have returned. I give u chances to talk to me because u beg for it, you're so desperate for me to hear you out.

But when i do i end up getting hurt again, and again and all over again.

I need to put a stop to this. I don't want to hear abt your suffering, i dont wish to head abt you and her. And of all the people, you choose me, your battered ex girlfriend to pick as a confidante.

No more ok. I don't want to hear anymore. All adds up inside, as if i dont have enough emotional baggages upon my shoulder as it is. As though i dont have enough hurt to deal with.

I was perfectly fine until u came back. So please, i really need to be left alone. I don't to hear abt how special she is, how ure afraid to lose her, how you know its not real but still want it anyways.. I dont want to know.Period.

sudah tu sudah lah k. Stop haunting and tormenting me with all these. As if my Ramadhan has not been trying and exhausting enough as it is.

and doesn't help tt im pmsing and am super emo + all cried out for the past few days. Hormones, hormones. Hate them.

2009-08-24T20:05:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, when you think that things couldn't possibly get any worst, it comes and hits you and hits you and hits you. And you're on the floor, on your knees, and whatever tts coming is tryin to bury you.

But you have to fight it. Cause once u get buried so deep, theres no coming back up tt easily.

Of course it hurts, hearing how you fucked her already (pardon my french). Same way you would feel if you knew i had done the same to someone else. I know you so well, being jealous when i meet someone new.. sending me a 1000 word long email + then telling me you were merely clearing your emails.

What a joke.

All i want is to be left alone, so badly. At this point, i jump everytime my phone beeps, cowling in fear that it could be you, it could be another stab-in-my-heart message.

Stop hurting me, i'm human. Theres only so much i can take. I'm trying to heal, and my darndest at it too. But i cnt if u keep coming back with the emails, with the texts, with the apologies, with the 'i still think of you every other day' crap.

Im not stone cold, those things have an effect on me in ways tt i dont want to allow.

You tell me you were thinking of me when you fucked her, tt "It's true you are perhaps the only person who has truly ever loved me and probably the only one in my life whom I would always remember".

what for? You're as good as dead to me in many ways. Its for the better. I won't allow you to get to me emotionally or mentally anymore..

So whats all this for?

"In a way, you have also revolutionised my life. I think about what you have said and given me the past 4.5yrs every other day too. I just don't show it. I dont wanna show regret or remorse or guilt or whatever. Those are all mine to feel - not anybody else's. I do not care if people think I am stone hearted bastard - I'd rather they think that way to make things easier. It is not easy for me to write this right now and express things so deep within me that I have buried for so long. I dont want to talk about it now".

You say i tortured you for 4.5 years... then you say this..

"I sincerely wish you get there with happiness, self fulfilment, wisdom and understanding. And I hope that you'll genuinely smile again soon. It has been a wonderful 4.5 yrs Sabreena, I will never forget it....trust me when I tell you that you'll probably forget it first :)"

Mindfuck? Enough is really enough Khalid. Even in this holy month, you continue to subject me to erratic moodswings, your supposed remorse, your words, your lies.

Lies, lies, lies. All lies, and i shall continue to believe that they're lies even if they're true. Cause it doesn matter anymore. The damage done, the hurt, the immense pain you put me through, only Allah knows.

But i thank God for showing me so many things, tt has helped me to get back on my feet in a matter of a month. I am extremely lucky that i dont spend years to do this. I realise i am stronger than i think i am.

I will falter sometimes, and i will cry. But i won't be beaten and battered on the floor. I promise.

And this adversity has just shown me so much. So many lessons learnt, so many friends gained and appreciated, so many truths unveiled, so many blessings.

Only blessings, no more missings.

Once i get my new no on thurs, i pray tt it would give me the much needed peace. The tables have turned now. In the beginning, i was crying, clinging, begging. And now, look who's doing the exact same thing.

So yeah, in this aspect i hope God gives you whatever you deserve, good or bad. HE'll decide.

2009-08-24T09:59:00.000+08:00

Decisions, decisions to be made. Sigh.

Allah, give me a sign.

2009-08-23T13:49:00.000+08:00

2009-08-22T15:58:00.002+08:00

Things have gotten really really awful and nasty.

From crying to me for forgiveness in the afternoon to threatening to hurt my family, taking a PPO on me for harassment (i haven called u in 2 wks! who's harassin who?), to wanting to destroy me + bring my career down by talking to my principal + a lot more of things that you said about me and MY FAMILY.

For saying F%&& God 3 times on the 1st of ramadhan when i told you to bring it on, cause Allah sees all...

For callin me back to tell me that you already fucked her and it was really good..

and...

To me ending up in a police station @ 1am with Dominic filing a report for intended harm + criminal intimidation (which wld have gotten u arrested).. which i didn end up signing because im not low like to destroy people's lives like that.

And calling me over 20 times with more than 30 text messages begging for forgiveness after u curse my family, and threaten to harm them?

i honestly think you have really lost it. And whatever u did last night takes the cake. Theres no forgiveness for that, you deal with it, you wanna fall flat on your face, you wanna become psychotic.. by all means.

And if u still think of hurting me, bring it on. I may be emotionally weak, but im not one to be trifled with.

Get lost, and stop bugging me anymore. There's no room in my life for crazy, psychotic ex boyfriends like you. Your guilt now will consume you and eat you whole and alive.

Good luck and godspeed!

(ps: so damn drama right, can write script + make it into a soap opera (sinetron)

2009-08-21T20:05:00.002+08:00

I'm tired. I am so incredibly tired of this whole blame game.

My intentions are pure, and clear. And i sleep in peace at night because my conscience is clear.

So please cukup ok? I have enough on my plate as it is right now.

I am human, let me be human ok?

So mentally and emotionally drained. I foresee this to be an incredibly trying Ramadhan, but insyaAllah, the truth always prevails and the innocent will be protected by Allah.

I'm not afraid of anything but God.

2009-08-21T08:11:00.003+08:00

And so she sings, a farewell song to the cowardly lover she once held so dear. No longer the one she has loved for almost a decade, he changed and became a complete stranger.

In a strange tale of confusion, her confession has triggered his need to escape and not face reality. Instead, he chooses to ride freely into the sunset with a new found lover.

Unable to comprehend his actions, she seeks to understand and asks. A thousand questions; none answered.

Clearly no longer kept in his thoughts, she longed to feel again, and turned forward to the horizon, seeking solace and answers. The turbulence of an incomplete future and unidentifiable fate threw her off guard, the wind battering her fragile body.

She began to write a letter of goodbye.

"Perhaps this is for the best" is how she ended it, knowing that for once, she was lying through her teeth. Not even remembered as a friend anymore, the pain was unbearable.

He became a forgotten memory.

In the end, the void was filled with songs of harmony and an inner peace unlike any other. A rush of vertigo greeted her once she truly let go.

What she experiences now is one not of despair but of elation. The heavy burden of guilt and regret have been lifted off her shoulders and once more, she can take flight and soar above the sky, reaching for the stars.

Though this time alone, she embraces that feeling - the unbearable lightness of being.

Milan Kundera - The Unbearable Lightness of Being.

2009-08-21T07:45:00.003+08:00

The reason why you feel how you feel is because you don't allow yourself room to grieve. You forget that you're human. By letting yourself be stone cold and detached, it will continuously haunt you.

Its a simple analogy, once you grieve (in your case is too feel absolute and complete remorse over your actions, which i haven seen yet), then the healing process will start.

Granted, the mind is a powerful tool. But without the heart pumping blood, every single other organ in the body is pointless. So, that said, learn to feel, learn to let your emotions overwhelm you. Let yourself be human.

In your pursuit of trying to be superhuman, you have missed out on one v important thing. The reason why you are going to be filled with guilt is because YOU HAVEN FORGIVEN YOURSELF. Let it go, i let that go a long time ago. So why are you still holding on to it?

I still don't consider you as an asshole. To me, what you did makes you completely human. Humans are weak, we falter, we make bad decisions. But the best part of being human is when we reflect upon our actions, and we feel remorse. And we then we forgive ourselves, and only then we can move along.

I've already forgiven you, why don't you forgive yourself and then you can seek forgiveness from Allah? No use in beggin him, when your own conscience doesn allow that cause you haven't even forgiven yourself yet.

Sometimes, when you hope to move forward, you just gotta take a leap of faith. All it takes is the will to jump. =)

Stop playing this blame game. Whatever tt happens is the consequences of your own actions. This was what you wanted. Freedom, space, her and whatever else. I was not on that list. I am a child of God just as you are.

And i never pray for bad things to happen to you. If Allah could show you a snapshot through my prayer sessions, you'd see. That said, i'm tired of explaining, of defending myself to someone who will never understand, nor has the ability to reach tt level.

I forgive you for cheating on me, i forgive you for lying, i forgive you for laying next to me when you were thinking of her, i forgive you for the many things that you did. But i will never forgive you for accusing me of things that were not true. Never.

I will never forgive you for thinking tt i was dengki, which was why i washed my hands off you when all i ever wanted to do was protect you. I will never forgive you for blaming me for the way your cousins behave. And i won't accept it if you blame me again for God's punishment towards you. For once, be a man and realise tt these are repercussions of YOUR OWN actions. Not mine.

My prayers are only secondary.

In your guilt, you'll think of me. In fact, there will be many moments when you will wish it was me next to you, when you'll wish it was me in the car, when you will wish tt my foundation will stain your mirrors, when you will wish that it was me kissing your forehead.. But i'm gone. We are gone. It might not even hit you till many years later, but as usual, it'll be too late.

The first thing tt you need to do to even move forward, is to forgive yourself. Forgiveness was the best revenge i could have done. Nothing more, nothing less.

I don't haunt you Khalid. It is your own mind that torments you. If it was me, you can ask me where i'm going, who i'm dating.. you can even stalk me and it wouldn't matter. I have nothing to hide, and i don't care really. I would never consider that as you haunting me or whatever.

Your perspectives are all wrong, and this supposed enlightening that you have got was just a front. It was only mental. Enlightening comes when you're free of resentment towards yourself, and then the person who hurt you. You're a lot more confused than you know, and i just hope Allah shows you the light soon. InsyaAllah, may this month of Ramdhan work wonders for the both of us. =)

2009-08-20T22:04:00.002+08:00

You are an incredible breath of fresh air in my life right now. I've never met anyone so similar to me, so incredibly intriguing. We are so darn alike its scary. And you understand me in ways i haven even spoken about. Its funny how u knew me years ago, but i was too arrogant to be bothered (and attached too).

And somehow, somewhere in time you found me again.

Don't go anywhere ok? Stay, and we can be really good friends if things don't happen. I'm too afraid to fuck up again now.

But dear Allah, i'm so thankful for this sweet angel in my life right now.

And sigh, those eyes, those eyes, those eyes.

disclaimer: no im not falling for anyone. im just appreciating someone in my life right now. =)

2009-08-20T21:48:00.003+08:00

If i could turn back the clock to one month ago, i'd have notice the signs instead of blinding myself to it..

There were various signs, prominent ones..

You never turned to look back @ me when you drove off. I always stood there, always.

I was reading this article on why men cheat... and the signs..

He spends more time away from the house.
You have less sex.
He avoids contact.
He does not answer his cell phone.
He criticizes you more.

so why do men cheat again? Its not that you're ugly, or not perfect. But more often than not, its an issue within the men themselves.

For example, a man's insecurity is a primary reason. When they don feel appreciated, needed or powerful when it comes to their gfs/wives.

"The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Gary says. "Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that."

The other woman often makes the man feel better about himself. "[She] makes them feel different. Makes them feel appreciated, admired," he says. "Men look strong, look powerful and capable. But on the inside, they're insecure like everybody else. They're searching and looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued."

And this is quite surprising.. this next fact..

How often does a man cheat on his wife with a woman who's more attractive? Not as often as you may think. Gary found that 88 percent of the men surveyed said the other women were no better looking or in no better shape than their own wives.

Why am i writing this down? I just happpened to chance upon an article.. and i was intrigued by the facts i found.

Ah, i guess shit happens all the time aye?

Now now lets move along.

2009-08-20T10:19:00.003+08:00

How could anyone fathom this pain, this emptiness, this null achy void in my heart? No you can't, so stop pretending that you understand.

I'm starting to pull away from people...

Sham: 27 yr old Pisces, 1.82m tall, v interesting character, but v v detached.
Imran: 28 year old Cancerian. Lots of things i don't like about him, so there.
Charmboy (remains anonymous for now): 24 yr old (race not to be mentioned). Especially intriguing, so smart, so wise, so matured for his age. And incredibly pleasing to my eyes. This one's got potential, but still too early to tell.

But i'm staying away. Because i don't need someone to fill up this void, albeit it being easier and all definitely. I don't need to let anybody in, only to have to trampled upon again.

And its weird, how suddenly people start streaming into my life.

One valuable lesson i've learnt from my last relationship, is that you should never ever compromise yourself, your values, your ideals for someone. Because you'll end up being incredibly unhappy. So how, i'm going to take my time, be extremely cautious and choosy. If i see something i don't like, or dont think i can live with, we'll move along.

Cause years of compromising and sacrificing has come to naught. Its time to put myself first now don't you think?

if only i knew how to be selfish. Ah, this whole selfless thing's really eating me up inside.

2009-08-20T10:12:00.001+08:00

Say hello to Keegan, Shelly's latest addition to her family. Leo baby! Look at him, isn' he the most adorable thing ever? He's so incredibly handsome.

Shelly, i can't wait to pop over and cuddle him, kiss his cheeks and bite his little fingers!

Congrats babe!

2009-08-19T19:01:00.001+08:00

cryng and running is a wonderful way to let it out.

For a while at least.

2009-08-19T11:47:00.001+08:00

My youngest brother is going for surgery this Friday, if all runs smoothly. Am i afraid? You bet i am. My youngest brother is my world, after my parents.

Please pray for us. I know how scary the whole process is baby brother, please be strong. I'm gonna be here for you, all the time.

I promise.

2009-08-19T11:13:00.002+08:00

19 August 2009.

One month ago, my world came crashing down more or less.

One month on, still feels a little crumbly inside. I still cry everyday, only once and i make sure its when i pray. I come home from work late everyday so tt i wouldn have to stare at the walls alone, and start thinking.

I sometimes imagine your presence in front of me, and trace my fingers down ur face, poke ur belly button, and pat your tummy. And then when i open my eyes, there's nothing.

A loss is a loss, and i wonder if u feel my loss as i do towards you. Probably not, since you've found something to fill the void.

And despite meeting someone, i take 10 steps back. I refuse to let anyone in right now, not for 6 months, maybe a year, until i heal.

Ive never been one to believe in rebounds, definitely not intentional ones. I'd like to take this time to learn how to be selfish, put myself first and focus on me, me and me. And no one else.

Of course when it comes to you, it doesn work that way. You're the still the one i pray for first before me every single time i solat. I pray that you'll never frown, or tt a single tear is ever shed. I wouldn't want you to suffer the way i am, no one should ever feel this way, status irregardless.

The words still ring vividly in my head sometimes, and i block them with a silent, eyes closed. And i think, and i wonder.. if you think of me. If you remember me when you go places with her. And then i block it out again. Because all the thinking comes to naught.

I spend a lot of time trying to sleep, tossing, turning, sometimes inevitably my hand wouldn reach out for the phone, in a used routine to calling you when i couldnt sleep.

And after tuition i'd stay by the road.. taxi after taxi whizzing by, until the 5th or 6th, still hoping against hope that you'd come.

What hurts the most is not the betrayal, but this indifference. I am now a stranger to you, but you to me tt could never be. I know you in ways that others don't, ive seen you the ways that others have not, ive understood you in some ways.. and ive seen sides only shown to me.

And i miss you Khalid, even until today. Missing you doesn't mean i have not let go, not am i wanting things to be back to normal. Missing you makes me completely human, and i am as human as it gets.

I'm already gone in a lot of ways, because as much as im suffering (and only Allah knows, i wouldnt want to subject you to this 'torment' as you put it... or haunt you. You wouldn't know how you still haunt me, live in me. And you don't even have to try anymore.

Missing you.

2009-08-18T18:18:00.003+08:00

The ways that i miss you are unquantifiable, like Eros misses Psyche, like a tragic Romeo & Juliet play, like being lost in a blinding dysphoric maze, like disinegrated atoms trying to piece themselves back together.

I miss you like the sun misses the sky, like an over exaggerated hyberbole, like a spurned longing, like the silent weeping of dim lit back alleys, like yearning idle hearts.

I sit on a cold bench wishing it was a nightmare. The silent rustle of the leaves, the permeating putrid atmosphere, the perfectly embalmed night, the weeping angsty stars, the transgression of night into day, the musty smell of dawn.. And my nightmare becomes vividly real.

Memories limp down the old foggy street, hazy but raw. Precious pearls taint cheeks, the cold air embraces my being, contemptuous mirths derides desires, emotions wanting so badly to be inequitated,flood waters augmented, my enamored heart's never pacified.

And i miss you. I miss you in the ways that words couldn't even begin to touch the depth of the hollow emptiness that's left behind.

And the ways that i miss you, i can't forget. I could write an entire thesis, and it'd won't be complete.

I miss the way your canines show.
I miss the way your eyes twinkle when you laugh.
I miss the way you smell.
I miss the way you'd kiss my nose.
I miss the way the way you'd hand me 50cents when i open my palm and ask you for money in the car.
I miss the way you'd kiss my cheek before i went back home.
I miss the watching you eat.
I miss the way you'd hold my hands in the cinema.
I miss lying next to you, saying nothing at all.
I miss the way i'd fall asleep in your embrace.
I miss putting my head on your shoulders.
I miss putting my head on your chest, hearing the steady thump of your heart.
I miss stroking the nape of your neck.
I miss tracking my fingers around the contour of your face.
I miss holding your arms and squeezing them.
I miss tickling you, and watching you burst into laughter.
I miss you poking me, in attempts to tickle me.
I miss sitting down and staring at the stars.
I miss IKEA walks with you, and sharing our dreams.
I miss grocery shopping with you.
I miss going threading with you.
I miss playing monopoly online with you, and making silly bets.
I miss hearing your voice before i go to sleep at night.
I miss your impromptu pick-me-ups after work.
I miss seeing your car after tuition.
I miss playing Daytona with you.
I miss watching you fish so intently.
I miss days when we took the bus and train together.
I miss our library visits.
I miss spending weekends with you.
I miss JB trips with you.
I miss holding you, knowing that you were't going anywhere.

And i miss you, so much that it hurts. That i don't know how to forget. Because when i look at you, all i can see is the happy moments. And i still miss you.

I'll miss you still, for a long time. like unsatiated desires, like an erosely notched heart trying to heal, like a slow murderous pathogen in my blood, like mutilated feelings and massacred loves, like a continuous stab of incessant laceration through my heart, like an acquiscent apathy, like an affected offensive smile decked in artlessness and simplicity, like forlorn heavenly sighs and unsung sorrows, like a coiling miasma wreathing in unspeakable pain.

I'll remember you like a withering moonflower stepped upon with wanton maliciousness, like the reins of a broken love, like a perpetual remnant of shattered hopes and dreams, like the monotony of nothingness, like a stratagem designed to beguile innocent hearts, like an insipid worthless love, like a whirpool of faltering faith, like passion lain sleeping, like a threatened storm beneath gentleness, and ultimately like a drevil raoming the roads of melancholy.

And today, i sincerely hope that she makes you happy in ways i could never. I wish that you'd never have a frown on your face, or a tear staining your face. I hope happiness and truth comes your way.

Cause i'm gone, not wanting you to see the truth within me.

But i'll say it again. I miss you, i miss you, i miss you.

2009-08-17T13:52:00.002+08:00

It's been a while.

Some changes, for the better.

Some emotions, held on to tightly. Refuses to go away.

I really didn need that 5 am text,like as though i need to be of any sense let to be felt any lower than i already am..

but sometimes i just wish i just wish the sky wasn't blue and the grass wasn't green and i didn't love you.. but unfortunately i do, and tat's just horrible to know that you'd do this to me even though you keep telling me i'm nothing when it comes to you.

Ramesh says: Yea and that brings us down, being a sacrifical goat..it's like even those animals die at the end, but we're left to be hollow inside.just movements of the body, can't even blink or even say a whisper.. cos everything that is us has been ripped out..

That's what happens when u give everything.. your heart and soul, but all you gain is pain and hostility in the end.

Lesson no. 1: Never give a man everything. Not your entire heart and soul.
Lesson no 2: Never built your entire world around someone, cause when they leave they take everything, and tt includes everything tt makes you.
Lesson no 3: Never throw your friends away for your significant other. Friends are more important than anything else.

That said, ive just had a big bitter fight with my mom that made her want to throw me out.. and me not talkin to her for 2 days already..

bah, humbug.

2009-08-11T22:39:00.002+08:00

they say when u hit rock bottom, that's it. No more burying urself under.

So tts the way its heading, UP, UP AND AWAY!

I am a lot better now than 3 weeks ago.

Maybe time is the key essence to healing. =)

2009-08-08T10:56:00.001+08:00

It's time like these when it hits me. Little memories tt come in batches. Last yr, this exact day/time was our first KL trip together.

And the tears start fallin again, after a long long time.

2009-08-06T15:38:00.002+08:00

Life's greatest lessons came in the form of you.

As much as you've hurt me, you've taught me many invaluable lessons that i couldn't have discovered on my own even i lived up to a 100.

We were angels Allah sent to each other to teach, and to learn from.

Its hard now, but i know i'll thank you for leaving me in time to come. Years down the road maybe.

"2 rocks will only crack each other."

We should have listened to our gut. You and i make better friends, and from the beginning we knew tt we weren't meant for each other. Yet, in a bid to sway destiny and meddle with fate, we fought hard.

So hard, tt we're now completely empty inside. Completely void.

2009-08-05T17:56:00.002+08:00

I'm ok now.

My mood fluctuates like crazy, as usual. Mornings are usually bad for me. But after some pep talk by my dearest colleagues (Fidzah, Wan + Dominic) over smoking sessions, i'll be ok.

I need to start doing things again. Moving, going to places and not feel resentment or intimidation by the memories.

Today was a good start, whitesands. Hard, seeing us in the library corners, having lunch, at the post office. Everywhere really.

I need to give myself a time frame. Its ok to think of the nice sweet memories sometimes, but i need to keep busy + forget.

Listening to dance songs makes me wanna dance. Its better than listening to sad, mopey songs no?

ah fuck, this denial again.

need to get Khalid out of my head. Sometimes, just sometimes i wish a car would run me down, and then i'll get amnesia. And be fine soon after. I know, unhealthy thoughts again.

Ah, life's not easy. Was never meant to be.

2009-08-05T10:07:00.001+08:00

I am sinking so deep into depression tt my head has started filling itself of all sorts of ideas tt shouldnt be there.

Despite praying, i still feel incredibly suicidal now. Dear Allah, please please please fill me with your love.

I don't have anyone else to turn to.

2009-08-04T10:40:00.003+08:00

You only came looking for me because you needed me to remain as the director of the Malaysian company.

Strictly business, you said.

Hello there. That would mean i will still have to keep in touch with you over business matters, and possibly even meet you if the need arises. Now, that isn't a clean break is it?

Then you told me not to treat you like a fucking stranger. Who was the one who told me to turn my head and pretend tt i don't know you if i see you on the streets?

Stop having double standards, and stop trying to make me look bad in front of everyone. Stop being a fuckin walking contradiction. You see, i abhor nasty conflicts, and what more with the man i used to love so dearly.. And unfortunately, i still love you quite dearly even today, to the point of my friends askin me if i'm Mother Teresa or something. Your loss, pumpkin. Not mine.

At 27, you're impossibly immature, to the point of being childish even. You refuse to allow me to change my no (tts not happening cause im not listening to your crap anymore), you insist on being friends cause you think im so weak i would die and crumble without you.

Stop it lah sia. You even gave me $200 for my hp bill the morning after telling me never to call you again.

And i KNOW, and you KNOW that i can definitely find someone better. Someone who wont kick me out of the car and call me every cuss word in the book. And you KNOW and have admitted tt you can never probably find someone who can fill in my shoes, and wt ive done for you. Not even close.

Maybe your own words were right. You'll be rich, and powerful and then buy a whore for a wife. Almost reachable tt dream, if u ask me. And i hope you'll be happy then. =)

And you say you deserve at least to have me a business partner. Sorry sweetie, you don't deserve no shit from me. That was a privilege tt you threw away when u picked tt whore over me.

And stop using the word affair, it makes me sick right down to my vaginal canals.

You say im not the only one who cant sleep at night. I can't bear to close my eyes cause you fucking haunt me even in my dreams. You cannot sleep at night because your conscience is so guilt ridden, its like a hijab over your heart.

You tell me to redha and let go. Thats what im doing. And tt means no more you in my life. You're like toxic in my blood at the moment.

So seriously, just leave me the fuck alone.

2009-08-03T18:07:00.000+08:00

Day 2 of no contact. i feel like my heart's being thrown into a bludgeoning pot of lava.

I woke up every 45 mins to an hour last night, checking my phone.. still hoping against hope tt he'll call.

But he never did.

2009-08-02T19:25:00.002+08:00

You have invoked such an anger in me.

You still have the cheek to sit beside me, offer to send me for tuition, chase after me when i walk away.. And tell your cousin tt you're here to help me cope because you think i will die without you.

Please do not flatter yourself. You're not Johnny Depp, honey.

You'll get what you ask for, and more.

Cause Allah is so damn great, and you just haven't seen it yet.

2009-08-01T12:39:00.002+08:00

I need to get a grip on myself.
I need to get a grip on myself.
I need to get a grip on myself.

The first best thing i could possibly do is not call him anymore. And the only way to go about it.. is to change my number.

2009-08-01T04:03:00.002+08:00

4am.

Wide awake. Finally popped one valium.

I don't want any more dreams of you.

No more, enough is enough.

2009-07-31T08:12:00.002+08:00

There are a few reasons why i privatised this blog.. It was garnering too much attention from people who didn't matter, people who didn't deserve to know what was happening, what had happened, and the emotional turmoils tt are hitting me right now.

Last Tues i blacked out in the general office, much to my embarassment. My hands were ice cold as i was led to the sick bay, my colleagues bringing in hot drinks, sweets and food to ease my dizzy spell.

I was eventually sent home in a cab, where my mom waited for me teary eyed under the block. As much as it is hard for me, i figure it is harder for my mother, as a parent to sit and watch her daughter suffer and suffer under the circumstances.

Various attempts to penetrate through me have failed miserably, and i'd rather lock my room and smoke away, sometimes crying, sometimes numb and zonked out.

And i realised tt, if i were a mother, i'd be so upset and hurt to see my only daughter this way. Allowing things to get to her, allowing herself to be beaten down the trodden path again and again.

In these troubled times, the people who never fail you are your family.

And in these times, you finally KNOW who your REAL friends are. =)

Workwise, zombified. Each day is a routine, and my VP recently asked me if i was ok. I kept blaming it on the low blood, of course caused by not eating. I don't even eat a meal a day. I smoke a lot, drink milk or water and that's it.

The weight loss has been rapid needless to say. 5kg in a week and half. My clothes are hanging of me much to my dismay. But i still do not feel the need to eat. Heartbreak's a good way to lose weight no?

It's Friday again, and the sick void in my heart beckoning the weekend is here. From someone who used to anticipate the weekends so much, ive come to dread it, dread the emptiness, dread the memories, dread the sheer torture and pain of being alone.

so painful, but you wouldn't understand. No one will, unless they've been where i am now.

2009-07-30T08:20:00.001+08:00

Life is so fragile. Someone i just ran into on the streets barely a week ago has passed on this morning.

Nasir, i hope you stay strong. =)

A loss is never easy, and what's my loss compared to someone else's knowing tt the person will never return?

2009-07-28T22:29:00.001+08:00

Where did we go wrong?

Every single day, we probably ask ourselves this question. Sometimes, nowhere..

I kept praying to Allah for so long to give me a sign if you weren't meant for me. I had many little2 signs.. but when the biggest sign came, i never expected it to be this big.

Tranquility, please stop eluding me.

You, please stop being in my mind. Please let me stop thinking of you.

2009-07-28T15:55:00.000+08:00

I miss you very much, Khalid.

But only Allah knows why it happened.. and now.. what's gonna happen.

2009-07-27T10:13:00.002+08:00

A loss is a loss, regardless of the number of months of years. The length of time just makes it harder to turn around and not see memories everywhere..

This weekend was so hard. i looked out of my window as i chain smoked (incredibly bad, im on a pack a day), and imagined tt his car was downstairs waiting for me.. as it always did on a weekend...

And we'd ride away doing the usual things tt we do. Same old thing every weekend, granted it got boring sometimes. But now, i won't complain cause tt time spent would have been beautiful as it is.

Memories will come and haunt me, for a while.. for a long while. But time heals all, i certainly hope it does.

2009-07-26T19:23:00.001+08:00

and loving you too. You taught me what it was like to give unconditionally.

2009-07-26T14:55:00.000+08:00

i guess things happen for a reason. Tears eventually fade& one day everything will be exactly how it`s supposed to be. moving on is a process. you have to promise your
self that you`re really ready to let it all go.

I am ready to let go. I just have to chant it a mantra in my head.

2009-07-26T12:53:00.002+08:00

How do i ever begin to let go and move on when you're on my mind 24/7?

Every waking, breathing moment. Even when im asleep, i dream of you. I'm so afraid to close my eyes.

I've lost you, and you,me.

This hurts so much, i'm trying v hard to be strong.

Trying really hard, but it fails me.

2009-07-25T16:06:00.002+08:00

How does it feel? Hurts beyond anything, beyond any fancy smanchy blog entry.

I pretended to be so strong, i did find some peace. Now its eluding me.

Please Allah, fill my heart with your love, with your acceptance, with your guidance.. With your infinite power.

Please give me peace.

2009-07-24T07:58:00.002+08:00

So much to say, no words to illustrate them.

The first weekend in 4.5 years tt i do not look forward to. Cause its gonna be such an empty weekend.

I can probably spend the weekend with a million others, but it wouldn't be the same.

Sway - Bic Runga

2009-07-23T15:16:00.003+08:00

I think ive replayed this over a hundred times within the past 2 days. Theres nothing else on my ipod, on my laptop and on my pc.

Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much to smart for this
You know it gets the better
Of me sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drown
Let me down
I say its all because of you and here I go
Losing my control
I'm practising your name
So I can say it to your face it doesn't seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth indeed its time
Tell you why
I say its infinately true
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everythings turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten
Every afternoon
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Its all because of you
Its all because of you

2009-07-23T15:08:00.003+08:00

I shouldn't have met you. Because when i did and i let my guard down, and i digested your apologies and regrets, i drowned into an ocean of confusion.

I was so damn sure about this a few days ago, yet now even praying fails to give me solace.

Please give me a sign, dear Allah. My logic has been completely thrown off guard, and my head battles my heart.

I'm afraid i might let my heart win.

It used to hurt so bad when u started calling me by my name 3 days ago. And i found myself tumbling several times doing the same to you.

Now it rolls off my tongue with ease, and it doesn hurt as much when u call me by name..

Baby accidentally rolls off both our tongues sometimes now, and i can't say tt i don't feel anything now tt i can't call u that anymore.

I need to do whats right. Because now, my heart is winning, is driving me completely nuts and lost.

Lost, i'm just as lost as you are now.

2009-07-22T14:00:00.002+08:00

You know you have real friends when they remove everything tt will trigger your memory from your desk when you're on mc so tt you won't see anything when u get back to your cubicle..

Pictures all gone. I don't even know where they are.

Thank God for people who are trying so damn hard to make it easier for me.

2009-07-22T13:56:00.000+08:00

All that's happening here is a long goodbye...

2009-07-22T11:54:00.001+08:00

My left ring finger feels so empty. Its empty now, but the lines of 4.5 years of it being there, never been removed... the lines stay...

they always stay.

2009-07-22T11:47:00.002+08:00

The pain is so real, still so raw. I try to put on my best foot forward, and my bestest smile.

Healing is possible, but a very very long time.

So many times i wanted to just break down and cry, and tell u i'll take you back. My heart says yes yes yes, but my mind knows better than that.

My heart writhes in so much pain whenever the memory of what i saw flashes in my mind. Endlessly, mercilessly.

Only God will know how much hurt i feel inside. So hurt tt ive gone numb.

Dear Allah, please grant me this peach and serenity that i need to slowly get back on my feet.

2009-07-20T19:13:00.003+08:00

It's officially over with me and Khalid. It hurts to a ground where nobody knows, or will understand.

This betrayal from him.. I'd never guess. All i know is that my heart's shattered, but mendable. Everyting happens for a reason. We plan, but Allah decides.

4.5 years worth of beautiful memories won't and can't be forgotten ever. But if time really heals, then i hope the scars left aren't too deep.

At the moment, its the grieving process. Still in shock, still can't cry much. Shock numbed my heart maybe. Its still hard when everywhere you turn, you see bits and pieces of something that was once strong, sturdy, beautiful and magical.

It's weird but i cannot feel an ounce of anger for what he has done to me, and instead i find a certain peace being able to forgive him with my heart and soul, and truly meaning it.

I haven't been alone for so long, it's like a baby learning to walk all over again. It feels really empty inside now knowing tt there wont b someone for me to call before i sleep, or to look forward to meeting during the weekends. Its going to be so much harder than this strong front tt im putting on. I won't deny that, or pretend tt this is going to be easy. But my friends tell me i am stronger than i give myself credit for.

It happening 3 days before my birthdays is cake on the icing really.. But i think perhaps, this is the best gift Allah can give me. The gift of opening my eyes, the gift of truth.

There is no point in resentment, grudges or playing the blame game because we both had our parts to play. I just wish there wasn't a third party involved because i would never do that to hurt him.

There's so much to say, but words fail me. And only tears can communicate. I thank God for my family, for my little brother who held my hand to sleep, for a mother who did not judge, who cradled me in her arms as i wept like a baby, and who wept with me.

Breakups are never easy. I never saw it coming, this way. But if she's really your soulmate then u shouldn let her pass by you like i did to my soulmate.

Life has to go on, there are many beautiful things that like unexplored, untouched. What does not kill you will only make you stronger.

And Khalid, i really hope she makes you happy in ways that i failed to do in 4.5 years. The only thing i pray for is not retribution or karma, those are not within my power. I pray that God opens up your eyes and your heart, and most importantly, that HE takes care and showers you with the love that you need cause i won't be there to do it anymore.

Aku redha dengan kehendakmu Ya Allah..

Tuhan menciptakan pasangan untuk kita...

2009-07-18T00:16:00.001+08:00

Desirable desires

2009-07-17T21:20:00.003+08:00

Somethings i want to do/buy for myself... =)

1) KFC/long john's bfst with Khalid (a little bit difficult cause ive to b at work by 7am, =( )
2) Singapore Flyer ride with Khalid (happening on Wed 22nd July, InsyaAllah)
3) Cafe Del Mar (Probably not cause i don't know if they serve pork + im uber particular)
4) Carousel buffet
5) Max Brenner's sinful chocolate stuffing
6) Fullerton's chocolate buffet (Kaithri's treat v soon!)
7) Moonlight stroll by the beach with Khalid. (Happening Wed morning, stroke of midnight, InsyaAllah) =)
8) Couple makeover
9) Simple diamond ring (the cheapo ones, not some gigantuan carat)
10) Botanic Garden/Sentosa picnic with Khalid, the cousins, Kaithri + the whole jinbang (Happening Saturday 25th July InsyaAllah)
11) Paul Smith Perfumes (Floral or Rose)
12) A nice Guess watch. I don't have a single one lol, so sad!
13) More branded bags heh
14) Spa/facial (shiok)
15) White gold necklace ( i don't own or wear one, and i dislike yellow gold quite a fair bit)
16) Iphone! (haha, this is an unnecessary item)
17) Lasik
18) Teeth whitening (last i checked, this is 1k)

and somemore... Maybe a lifetime supply of chocolates, ice cream and krispy kremes? heh

2009-07-14T11:17:00.001+08:00

Tuesday woes come in the form of mindblowing cramps, a foul mood and an overwhelming tub of emotion.

crap.

2009-07-13T22:37:00.002+08:00

The time we waste waiting... for love, for wealth, for success, for something special, for anything at all.. So much time wasted waiting, waiting and waiting.

The times we spend fighting for love, for our jobs, for dignity/morals/principles/wants/family, for ourselves... so much time wasted.

You can fight tooth and nail, blood and sweat but if God says no right from the start, it'll always be a no.

Hurtful yes it might be, but HE knows better. And who are we to decide whats best for us anyway. Free will to choose yes, but it doesn't guarantee tt the choices u make are the best.

And it doesn't guarantee tt u'll always get what you chose.

Imagine.

2009-07-11T00:14:00.001+08:00

So much to say, so much in my head. Absolutely no words to put it all together.

2009-07-10T14:40:00.003+08:00

Not as perky as i'd like to be today but thought i'd share my MAC makeup haul that was purchased from the friends&family 25% off.

Got the usuals, MAC studio fix.. Trying out the blot powder in medium dark, got my hands on the style warrior blush 'On a Mission' which is a gorgeous pink, slightly mauve shade, clear brow gel + 2 lippies in Marquise D + Cremecup (both pinkish nude shades as usual)

Happy camper yes, cause i saved quite a significant amount and i have so many babies to try out now. My lipstick collection is getting a little bit too overwhemlming though. =)

Cosmetic hauls

2009-07-06T16:46:00.005+08:00

I am a happy camper. 2 packages arrived today. The BB creams from Korea (super fast) + also the long awaited NYX haul...

FINALLY!

Red Cherry lashes + some eyeliners / glitter pencils.

The different colours, some a little off for me. heh. But @ 1.25USD per lippie, im not complaining.

So happening + cheap. Quality wise, will review when ive tried. Have another package with eyeshadows + more stuffs coming in!

birthday banters

2009-07-06T00:56:00.004+08:00

Birthday wishlist for this year is relatively simple. Material items will not be included.. I reckon as u get older, the intangibles become more of a worthwhile asset as compared to temporal, fleeting ones.

I don't intend to celebrate or party really, just simple sit down dinners + conversations with people close to my heart will maketh the moment....

Of course, if someone wants to gift me with a diamond ring or an LV, i wouldn't say no would i? Haha, i'm just kidding around lah...

So back to the wishlist: (in random order)

1) KFC/long john's bfst with Khalid
2) Singapore Flyer ride with Khalid
3) Cafe Del Mar
4) Carousel buffet
5) Max Brenner's sinful chocolate stuffing
6) Fullerton's chocolate buffet
7) Moonlight stroll by the beach with Khalid. (Preferrably @ the stroke of midnight heh) =)
8) Couple makeover? -grins-

I can't think of anymore now, will update as and when an idea hits me.

2009-07-03T21:14:00.003+08:00

Friday night, i was due for dinner + dessert with the mass commies but i didn't feel v well. Just got the sniffles + trying to pop as many pills as i can to prevent it.. So here at home i am, and darn rejuvenated after a 2.5 hour nap.

My colleague Hafidzah was lamenting how bloody long its been since we went out properly, so aft work today we went to Compass Point for Delifrance.. The standards have so so dropped.

And i saw a Laneige counter @ Metro.. And bought these..

The strawberry peel has been on my list for the longest! Wanted the strawberry mask but the SA recommended me the hydrating sleep mask instead.. And it smells damn good.

My verdict..

Peeling gel: This works as an exfoliator so you only use it once or max, twice a week. The sheer size of it amazes me, 150ml! It will go a loooooooooong way, and its damn cheap too @$44. I tried this earlier today, and like most exfoliators, my skin was squeaky clean + rid of the dead cells. But what i was interested to know was if the effect would last. Most exfoliators have a time lapse before your skin looks dull again. After exfoliating i took a nap, and when i woke up my face was so much less oilier than my usual after-sleep-face, and it was still as smooth as when i first exfoliated 3 hours ago. I am impressed ok. =)

The SA gave me a small sachet of the strawberry mask to try + i'm torn about this one. It makes my face really sticky after i wash it off, but now one hour after, its really smooth + baby soft. I do not know if the waiting time for absorption is slow, thus the gradual change...

Sleep mask: I'll try it tonight and let u know. It retails for $45 btw. My only gripe is that it comes in a tub, meaning u have to use a spatula to scoop the contents out. A tube or pump dispenser would have been so much more convenient.

Oh good gracious, im turning into a skincare addict!! My agenda tonight is to sift out my entire collection, and give away those tt i do not use or can't use. Another person can defo appreciate it more than the dustbin. =)

Feeling a little productive today so i'll settle the spree stuff, wash my makeup brushes + sort out my makeup collection too. Anybody wants free makeup? =)

2009-07-01T14:43:00.004+08:00

So i woke up last night after @ nap around 8plus with a crazy temperature. My entire body was hot hot hot, including inner thighs and the privates. V weird. Fever with no cough or cold..

I panicked a little, and Khalid literally dragged me to the doctor's.. Viral infection, it seems. The temperature had conpletely disappeared at the doc's.

This morning, it went up again.. I texted my P askin if i could report to work as per normal.. I felt ok despite the temperature and only had slight aches in my body.. But alas, no. Had to stay home.. Such a waste of my MC. =( Its driving me nut, this fluctuating temperature nonsense tts gg on.

On another shopping haul note... Still waiting for my NYX.. and i just bought BB creams after reading reviews + comtemplating for almost 6 months now.. 2 Missha, 1 skinfood + trying to get my hands on Dr Jart's Silver label..

What exactly is a BB cream (BB = Blemish Balm)? You can check it out here.

so now , am just waiting waiting waiting for a ton of makeup to come in, which i will share with you, most definitely!

2009-06-29T23:21:00.002+08:00

My anticipated Monday blues wasn't even half as bad as i thought it would be, and gg back to work was really a breeze, albeit some sneaky depressing moments of not having holidays anymore...

Monday mayhem, with the H1N1 precautionary measures, most of us were thrown a bit out of tandem, but ah we'll get used to it soon enough.

Also, having rested my voice for a month, i found myself clearing my throat, coughing and the voicebox feeling a little overworked. But that too, will pass eventually.

600 cases, including 59 @ Republic Poly where my youngest brother is. I found it incredibly weird that he + his classmates were issued LOAs (Leave of Absence) last thurs, only to have it retracted over the weekend via sms, prompting them to go back to school today. Geez, 59 cases! Just close the damn school already.

As for us, and the entire education population in SG, its just constant temp taking, masks for frontliners + a whole lotta educating done about hygiene.

That's pretty much it for work. Getting back into the crazy momentum of doing a million things in a day, having nightmares about work + less beauty sleep for me. Which is pretty good, cause work keeps my brain focused and i don't think about things tt i shouldn be thinking of. But all is well and before i even realise it, it'll be November already! =)

And eh! Birthday wishlist. Some of you have requested, haha so embarassing. I'm older now really, presents aren't the main focus or enticing factor of a birthday. As i grow older, no biggie la, just 24hours and then you're a year closer to hitting 30, ur biological clock is ticking, your collagen levels are dropping, your skin isn't as nice as before, your metabolic rate starts to dip even further.. And the list could go on really... But that'll be another entry.

1130pm, and i'm off to FORCE myself to sleep. =)

Commitment

2009-06-27T16:41:00.002+08:00

I'm in no way commitment phobic... Cause if i was, i wouldn't manage to maintain a long term monogamous relationship now would i?

I know, i know. Many of you are probably rolling your eyes and thinking "What does she have to complain about?"

Yes i'm lucky by various standards. Khalid ia a reeeeeeeeealy good guy despite his shortcomings. And please, i am far from perfect to begin with, not even close.

And i know of people who have spent years waiting and searching for something similar to what i have right now.

Maybe i am just too different. The love language spoken by the both of us is different.

I appreciate monetary items, i do. I appreciate the impromptu purchases, the money to do my hair and blah2. But i feel tt something is lacking.

Call me a hypocrite, but i'd rather have simple things like waking up @ 9am on a weekend to have breakfast with me, or coming over for dinner with my family.

For a Cancerian, sometimes the simple things matter most.

But then again.. and maybe just maybe, its just me. All these pegged up discontentment, clogging my veins and threatening my floodgates.

Boy, i sure hope its a passing phase. =(

2009-06-27T04:09:00.002+08:00

i feel incredibly disconnected and discontented, two feelings tt i absolute detest to feel.

I can't seem to purge it out of my system. Its been a month, maybe more. I get increasingly discontented each passing day..

Is this what a long term r/s does to you? Its my first, longest.. and i'm not sure if this is how it feels.

When sparks + passion interchanges, and mellows down to commitment, loyalty and comfortability.

Comfort zone, v comforting indeed. Should i stay because its safe to, and because ultimately i DO LOVE HIM v much. Or explore what the world has to offer, and perhaps be fucked in that search for my version of idealism...

Dear Allah, please give me a sign. My heart's really not functioning, and my gut instincts have boycotted me. YOU are my only saviour now.

2009-06-25T19:41:00.001+08:00

this is amazing.. Its been on loop the whole day.. =)

This is not the ori vid clip.. You can watch it here : http://perezhilton.com/tv/index.php?ptvid=4bdad38ad5aa7