Thursday, December 17, 2009 ' 11:01 PM
"Your whole world has been ripped from you. Everything you've known to be true is false: your sense of security, your sense of self-worth, everything — everything — is totally different from the moment you find out."
I was reading an article on cheating couples who made their marriage work and the above quote sorts of hits home. Real close i must say..
Never quite found the words to describe the initial pain, the shock, the grief, the disappointment and the many many boxful of emotions that accompanied the 'finding out'.
You ask yourself again and again.. "What do I do now?" You probably don't know cause your emotions are completely unstable. And you go through the motions of crying, not sleeping, not eating, crying, crying and crying. And one day, it just stops.
I don't know how it happened, but i suppose R had something to do with it.
Months on, there will always be repercussions. The constant benchmarking of new people against the ex.. and the issue of trust.
"Trust is still a struggle, and it always will be."
How do you deal with that? I dont know, and i still am not sure. Its unfair to the next person to bear the brunt of a previous grievance no? That said, i doubt i will be so kind as to give anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore really. And i'm not going to blame myself for the 'disability'.
At the end of the day, after seeing so many failed relationships and marriages, one cannot help but be cynical.
There is no automatic 'happily ever after' really.. You get out of /relationships marriage what you put into it. =)
And if you think you've put your heart, soul, mind and whatever have-yous into it, then maybe its time to step back and look at the bigger picture. You have to perceive it from an outsider's point of view cause most times, you're just blind when you're in it.
And get out if its not right. It's easier to stay, to avoid the many fears of loneliness + being left on the shelf.. But staying because it's a comfort zone doesn't make it right or better.
If it's shit from the start, trust me when i say that the shit can only get worst.
At the end of the day, faith's important. If you have faith, and you put in effort, you'll eventually make it to a good place.
Who knows right? =)
Goddessfreja's ruminations
