Wednesday, December 09, 2009 ' 11:52 PM
Location: Ibis Hotel, Patong
Time: 2305 BKK time
Mood: mish-mish mash of emotions.
Phuket has been nothing but fantastic. Everything supercedes my expectations really so far. From the really friendly people to the gorgeous Patong beach, amazing sunsets and sunrise, gorgeous and comfy hotel room, amazing company and complete wild fun, i couldnt ask for more.
Granted, there isnt much to buy here as compared to Bangkok, and the only shopping ive done is for my brothers.
So anyways, i brought my laptop along to company me while i mope around the hotel room alone.
Truth be told, i didn want to come along because i was so afraid of being alone. Ive travelled alone in the past, but its been so long. And even until tonight, the second night, i dont know how to fill this empty space in my heart, with no one to snuggle up to before i sleep, with no one filling in that space beside me, and no one to make me laugh and dance silly in the room.
I spent so many nights with Khalid during our trips that staying alone is making me so lost. I'm not fearful, and neither do i want just any random person for company.
I fill my days and nights when im alone with MTV, Twilight books and my laptop. I told myself that i have to inflict this hurt upon myself to get over it. I am stronger than i give myself credit for. And pretty good, i haven't cried over anything.
I completely enjoy the company of Yany and Is, but when i'm back here, its like returning to nothingness, and it scares me in ways i cant explain.
I have done things i am not proud of lately, and i wont bother trying to justify myself. An escape perhaps, from the occasional painful reminders.. the constant ringing of reminder and hurt when i walk past the bars and the pubs filled with hostesses.. To whom i lost someone that was very much so dear to me.
Ah no, no blames to external parties. Everything happens for a reason. And time flies really. Its been almost 5 months. 5 months that passed by so incredibly quickly.
Things are better now than they were 2-3 months ago. It can only get better i hope.
I dreamt about Khalid a few nights ago. I do hope he's doing ok. And no, i dont miss him in a romantic kind of way. I'm just more interested to know abt his well-being and things like that. But as you know, we're not on talking terms or anything like that. So much for always looking out for me, heh. I guess people change, circumstances changes people.
That said, there are lot of changes thats been happening in this life of mine. Not that i would divulge much. I am a little wary of that now.
But when all that is said, theres one person i miss so incredibly much now.. And that person is R. sigh sigh sigh.
4 more weeks is sheer torturous. But like i mentioned, if its meant to be, things will fall into place really. Life really has its own unique, universal miracles.
so have faith. Mine's still going strong. No hope, but only faith.
Goddessfreja's ruminations
