Thursday, December 24, 2009 ' 12:39 AM
I've been a little evasive lately, ignoring calls/messages selectively. I've been slowly, but steadily crawling back into my Cancerian shell. If you have been a victim of my indifference, please kindly forgive me.
I thought i was good, but it turned out to be that the healing had only taken place on the surface, and there were much deeper scars and emotional baggages that stemmed from deep within. So deep that it was not possible to feel, or see.
When the betrayal can never be forgotten, and when it comes to remind you occasionally- more often than not you don't know how to deal with the pain anymore.
After months of being an empty shell, condemned and inhabitable, i suppose its better now.. A little repaired, probably likening it to a small window that allows a slight ray of sunshine, but other than that - broken down and probably no amount of investment would work in fixing the broken.
Am i depressed? I refuse to think so, or to allow such negativity seep into my thought processes. I liken my vices and recent shenanigans to a phase, merely something that i have to go through in order to heal.
I have done a lot of things i am far from being proud of. The piercings were fine, they were just a way to deal with the pain. The thought of inking myself was mad, crazy and i'm not going to allow it to happen although it is very very etched in my mind. It's like as though i've allowed the Devil in, and take some sort of control. But i'm gonna take back the control. This is all really really not me. I'm not this person.
I emailed Khalid recently, with no intent of seeking friendship or reconciliation. It was a platform for me to ask how he was, as a concerned party. And i was surprised when he replied, gracefully and nicely.. No harsh words, nothing hurtful. He's not doing well, but all i can render is some nice words, and encouragement. I'm not there anymore to pick him up. This time, he would have to do it on his own.
Things were taking a plunder and a downward spiral lately. But i hope it's gonna look up.
2009 was a completely nightmare in a lot of ways, but it came with such valuable, inspiring lessons, it came with losses and gains, it came with surprises, albeit incredibly painful.
I can be broken and beaten to the ground. I can be forgetful of my Creator sometimes, I can be a sinner in many ways.. But my faith's intact.
And faith is what's gonna keep me going for 2010. And i've faith it's gonna be amazing. Don't you think so?
R's coming back, i'm gonna start UniSim, get a car insyaallah and save up for Egypt. And lose more weight and look hot! haha. Sounds fulfilling really. =)
Come what may. Just come what may.
Goddessfreja's ruminations
