Oh melancholy,
Won't you tie yourself tightly around my neck,
Like a noose,
And squeeze the life out of me.
Chain yourself around my ankles,
and leave me passive.

For melancholy, i am in love with thee, and only thee.


-goddessfreja, 2007

I've been a little evasive lately, ignoring calls/messages selectively. I've been slowly, but steadily crawling back into my Cancerian shell. If you have been a victim of my indifference, please kindly forgive me.

I thought i was good, but it turned out to be that the healing had only taken place on the surface, and there were much deeper scars and emotional baggages that stemmed from deep within. So deep that it was not possible to feel, or see.

When the betrayal can never be forgotten, and when it comes to remind you occasionally- more often than not you don't know how to deal with the pain anymore.

After months of being an empty shell, condemned and inhabitable, i suppose its better now.. A little repaired, probably likening it to a small window that allows a slight ray of sunshine, but other than that - broken down and probably no amount of investment would work in fixing the broken.

Am i depressed? I refuse to think so, or to allow such negativity seep into my thought processes. I liken my vices and recent shenanigans to a phase, merely something that i have to go through in order to heal.

I have done a lot of things i am far from being proud of. The piercings were fine, they were just a way to deal with the pain. The thought of inking myself was mad, crazy and i'm not going to allow it to happen although it is very very etched in my mind. It's like as though i've allowed the Devil in, and take some sort of control. But i'm gonna take back the control. This is all really really not me. I'm not this person.

I emailed Khalid recently, with no intent of seeking friendship or reconciliation. It was a platform for me to ask how he was, as a concerned party. And i was surprised when he replied, gracefully and nicely.. No harsh words, nothing hurtful. He's not doing well, but all i can render is some nice words, and encouragement. I'm not there anymore to pick him up. This time, he would have to do it on his own.

Things were taking a plunder and a downward spiral lately. But i hope it's gonna look up.

2009 was a completely nightmare in a lot of ways, but it came with such valuable, inspiring lessons, it came with losses and gains, it came with surprises, albeit incredibly painful.

I can be broken and beaten to the ground. I can be forgetful of my Creator sometimes, I can be a sinner in many ways.. But my faith's intact.

And faith is what's gonna keep me going for 2010. And i've faith it's gonna be amazing. Don't you think so?

R's coming back, i'm gonna start UniSim, get a car insyaallah and save up for Egypt. And lose more weight and look hot! haha. Sounds fulfilling really. =)

Come what may. Just come what may.

"Your whole world has been ripped from you. Everything you've known to be true is false: your sense of security, your sense of self-worth, everything — everything — is totally different from the moment you find out."

I was reading an article on cheating couples who made their marriage work and the above quote sorts of hits home. Real close i must say..

Never quite found the words to describe the initial pain, the shock, the grief, the disappointment and the many many boxful of emotions that accompanied the 'finding out'.

You ask yourself again and again.. "What do I do now?" You probably don't know cause your emotions are completely unstable. And you go through the motions of crying, not sleeping, not eating, crying, crying and crying. And one day, it just stops.

I don't know how it happened, but i suppose R had something to do with it.

Months on, there will always be repercussions. The constant benchmarking of new people against the ex.. and the issue of trust.

"Trust is still a struggle, and it always will be."

How do you deal with that? I dont know, and i still am not sure. Its unfair to the next person to bear the brunt of a previous grievance no? That said, i doubt i will be so kind as to give anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore really. And i'm not going to blame myself for the 'disability'.

At the end of the day, after seeing so many failed relationships and marriages, one cannot help but be cynical.

There is no automatic 'happily ever after' really.. You get out of /relationships marriage what you put into it. =)

And if you think you've put your heart, soul, mind and whatever have-yous into it, then maybe its time to step back and look at the bigger picture. You have to perceive it from an outsider's point of view cause most times, you're just blind when you're in it.

And get out if its not right. It's easier to stay, to avoid the many fears of loneliness + being left on the shelf.. But staying because it's a comfort zone doesn't make it right or better.

If it's shit from the start, trust me when i say that the shit can only get worst.

At the end of the day, faith's important. If you have faith, and you put in effort, you'll eventually make it to a good place.

Who knows right? =)

Never give up...



Because love always wins.

Location: Ibis Hotel, Patong
Time: 2305 BKK time
Mood: mish-mish mash of emotions.


Phuket has been nothing but fantastic. Everything supercedes my expectations really so far. From the really friendly people to the gorgeous Patong beach, amazing sunsets and sunrise, gorgeous and comfy hotel room, amazing company and complete wild fun, i couldnt ask for more.

Granted, there isnt much to buy here as compared to Bangkok, and the only shopping ive done is for my brothers.

So anyways, i brought my laptop along to company me while i mope around the hotel room alone.

Truth be told, i didn want to come along because i was so afraid of being alone. Ive travelled alone in the past, but its been so long. And even until tonight, the second night, i dont know how to fill this empty space in my heart, with no one to snuggle up to before i sleep, with no one filling in that space beside me, and no one to make me laugh and dance silly in the room.

I spent so many nights with Khalid during our trips that staying alone is making me so lost. I'm not fearful, and neither do i want just any random person for company.

I fill my days and nights when im alone with MTV, Twilight books and my laptop. I told myself that i have to inflict this hurt upon myself to get over it. I am stronger than i give myself credit for. And pretty good, i haven't cried over anything.

I completely enjoy the company of Yany and Is, but when i'm back here, its like returning to nothingness, and it scares me in ways i cant explain.

I have done things i am not proud of lately, and i wont bother trying to justify myself. An escape perhaps, from the occasional painful reminders.. the constant ringing of reminder and hurt when i walk past the bars and the pubs filled with hostesses.. To whom i lost someone that was very much so dear to me.

Ah no, no blames to external parties. Everything happens for a reason. And time flies really. Its been almost 5 months. 5 months that passed by so incredibly quickly.

Things are better now than they were 2-3 months ago. It can only get better i hope.

I dreamt about Khalid a few nights ago. I do hope he's doing ok. And no, i dont miss him in a romantic kind of way. I'm just more interested to know abt his well-being and things like that. But as you know, we're not on talking terms or anything like that. So much for always looking out for me, heh. I guess people change, circumstances changes people.

That said, there are lot of changes thats been happening in this life of mine. Not that i would divulge much. I am a little wary of that now.

But when all that is said, theres one person i miss so incredibly much now.. And that person is R. sigh sigh sigh.

4 more weeks is sheer torturous. But like i mentioned, if its meant to be, things will fall into place really. Life really has its own unique, universal miracles.

so have faith. Mine's still going strong. No hope, but only faith.

Hello.

Its been too long hasn't it? i just decided that sharing too much wasn't doing me any good.

Its been a hectic November, with many many late nights at work. Many important events, one of which: witnessing dearest Nona get engaged and make her way down the road towards eternal marital bliss insyaAllah.

I'm dating someone yes. He's nothing short of amazing and he's absolutely perfect for me. But as usual, perfection is kinda an illusion. There are circumstances which i would not reveal that would make this union highly unlikely.

But i've learnt to bask myself in the moment and live one day at a time. At this very moment, R makes me incredibly happy. We spend many nights at different beaches, talking, debating and teasing each other silly. The nature of R's job brings him overseas every 5-6 weeks for about 1.5 months.

And like i told him, "5 weeks is enough to forget someone". It is, indeed.

No hopes, no expectations. Just faith that if it was meant to be, everything would fall in place surely.

Being with Khalid has taught me one very important thing; that possession does to equate to anything because there are no absolutes in life. That said, i'm just trying my best to have faith again.

Its not easy. And even with R, he finds me incredibly detached and aloof. I can't help being guarded. I suppose its a case of once bitten, twice shy perhaps?

I can't explain how i love being around R. I feel at ease when he holds me, and he makes me laugh with his driving with one hand antic just so he could hold my hand in the car. He sends me to work everyday in the morning and picks me up occasionally. We both enjoy the beach very much and we'd sit for hours. He talks and i listen, cause i don't say much these days. He would teach me things about vessels, the stars and many many things.

No, i do not have those kind of feelings for R. All i know is that he makes me very very happy, something that was lacking even when i was with Khalid towards the end of our relationship. And i'm happy the way it is.

To be honest, something in my gut tells me that this is not right for some reason. R is the right kind of wrong. And i don't think he'd be around for long due the the circumstances. But like i said, i'm really glad i met him. And even if it doesn't lead to anything, this would be one of the things that helped me back up on my feet properly.

R, i thank God i met you. You're nothing short of amazing. Thank you for making believe that it could be possible to feel again, to want to have faith again.

Its been a month exactly, and maybe many more months if it was meant to be. 5 weeks without you around would be a real test for both of us.

And we'll see. Come what may. =)

almost 4 months. Better now. Haven't cried in a long while. Work's crazy, but crazy is good.

Yes i do miss you. But i have to thank God for the people he sent to me to keep me afloat, and sane.

Love blossoming? Nah, not so soon. But maybe, baby. You never know.

it's been a long time.

many changes.

happiness, soon enough. =)

i hardly blog these days. Its not because i don't have anything worth sharing, or that life has been mundane and stagnant. Far from it i would say.

But things are just all over the place, and my emotions and horribly complex at this time..

sometimes, sometimes i just think...Won't someone pull the trigger on me already?

cause i'm so so tired of this shit.

sometimes i think im ok.

then i see things that reminds me of you.

Three months of hell, of emptiness, of learning to walk all over again, learning to live again.

i still haven't lived.

sometimes i think, i'm better off dead.

in merriment, in sorrow, in agony, in love, in trouble, in amazement and peace.

together, always, forever.

i'm settled now, almost there. Just a little more.

Almost at peace, with faith and a renewed sense of hope.

Life's short, be happy. =)

i hope you're happy.

so busy, i hardly have time to breathe.

So flustered and bogged down, i don't have time to mourn. Except for nights curled up in bed, you come and haunt my memories.

But God'll show me the way to resolvement, and the way to close my heart to you, forever.

For all that its worth, you can continue judging me. Only Allah will judge me, for only Allah knows the true content of my heart and my intentions.

I am only answerable to Him, and no one else.

For every action that any human being takes, there are consequences and repercussions.

For you, me, or another random stranger, nothing comes free in this world. We will pay for our actions one day, be it sooner or later.

May Allah have mercy on all our souls.

i'm this close to giving up. But i won't. Cause i won't give you that satisfaction. God will show me the way, lead me and guide me.

And God will give you your dues, that i promise you.

Losing everything is at the same time the scariest, as well as the most... liberating experience you can have. When you have something, - anything, you've got to protect it from disappearing. And so worry becomes a resident in your heart. When you've got nothing, your heart overflows with gratitude for every offering you receive.

motherfucker.

I was this close to sucuumbing.

Thank Allah for distractions. Thank Allah for keeping my head high still and my dignity intact.

Every minute of his life has since been marked by her absence, every action has lacked dimension because she is not there to meaure against. Now i know how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird.: Henry Detamble, The Time Traveller's Wife

These dreams of you, reminds me. How i used to run my fingers over you. I still do sometimes, in the dark shadowing your outline.

And then i fall asleep, my pillows laced with tears, fears and regret.

I miss you so much, i don't know how to do this anymore.

Sometimes i feel abandoned, alone and empty. Completely empty even in the midst of so many.

3am.

My morning entries seem to be getting pretty often, and vivid. Times like this, you know you your friends are. And who are the people who will go out of their way to be there for you.

I know, i know some of us have incredibly busy lives.. So i'd like to thank all these people, in random order.

Kaithri: for being there all the time, anytime. For pulling me out of this shit, for holding my hand when i falter.

Yany + Iskandar: Its because of the 2 of you tt i stay sane on weekends, and weekday nights. Thank you for letting me into your lives, and be part of it although i macam lamp post. And i look forward to December. And 12.12.12 =)

Dominic: For being the most incredible friend. i never tot i'd find that in you but i did. And its so special. And you know i love you Dom, in that platonic kinda way.

Hafidzah: For being there for me at 3am under my block. For your words of encouragement and being a listening ear. I'm glad you found love, my dear.

Anuar: For being that elder brother i never had. 10 years on, you'll always hold a special place in my heart.

And to all those who were there, or who gave a damn. Thank you.

In this aspect, i am truly blessed with such incredible friends.

I miss him so incredibly much. I haven felt this sense of despondence that is so deep in a long time. I don't know how to describe this emptiness.

Its just a big aching void.

Come back sometime, won't you?

i forgive you, i forgive you, and i forgive you.

Clare Abshire (after Henry's death): Sometimes i wake up and reach for Henry. Sleep erases all differences, then and now; dead and living. I am past hunger, past vanity, past caring. I look dead. I want nothing.

If there is really a God (sometimes i am just beyond doubt, god forbid i know), please show me something, a light to help me through.

Because i am just sinking, and i don't believe anymore.

Nor Time, nor Place, nor Chance, nor Death can bow/my least desires unto the last remove. - Henry Detamble, The Time Traveler's Wife

one last time, one last kiss, one llast embrace.. Maybe just one last night would null the pain.

They say time heals all wounds. Sometimes, just sometimes i wonder if that is true, and if not.. Would death be the only time when the pain would then cease?

Too much thinking, too much analysing. Too much pain, its all too much for me to take.

Clare Abshire: I wouldn't change one second of our life together. (The Time Traveller's Wife)

And i wouldn't. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. The fool i am.

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are - Anais Nin.

How true and how apt. Many of us have our set of preconceived notions and perspectives, and very rarely do we accept challenges to our faith so lightly.

How many of us do things unconditionally, most times? Its in the human nature to expect a return of sorts, something like a barter trade. Kinda turns the deed into a mere obligation, than a sincere want isn't it?

You know, being misunderstood hurts a great deal. Over time when you get hit again and again, you'd somehow think that you would be desensitised.. Then you never get immune. It just accumulates into one helluva fireball. Especially by people who matters, or on mattered.

In times like this, when all seems so incredibly hopeless.. And you feel lost and abandoned, is when God sends someone to you. Ive always believed that everyone you meet in the little yellow brick road that you take through life, is meant to teach you something, somehow, somewhere.

No person is too insignificant, and close attention should be paid to those who form an integral part of your life. That said, i recently met someone who was like me. Cingy, possesive, overly manja sometimes and more.

I always thought i was someone who would enjoyed being smothered and suffocated by the attention, but i was wrong. Dead wrong. Barely one week, and i surrender. Its too much for me to take.

So for Khalid to withstand this for 4.5yrs, i take my hat off to him.

And lesson learnt, now i know how it feels, now i realise wt ive been doing. Expensive lesson, v expensive lesson to lose the person so dear to you.

But we've no one else to blame but ourselves for our indifference and stubborness.

I'm so thankful for you in my life baby brother. You're my pillar of strength, my shoulder to cry on, my confidante, my flesh and blood.

And you probably wouldn't know it, but i'd lay my life down for you.

The fall of Eros & Psyche

forgive my weaknesses,
for your warm embrace i yearn.
Like a gentle fulfilled decadence,
feeding voracious appetites.

Flittering plunders of this savage beat (heart),
ignore the blinding presentiments,
of a much possible catastrophe.

of two broken hearts,
This impetus decision in my soliloquy i question.

Thoughts dance like a languid waltz,
slow, steady with unwarranted placidity,
so smooth it scares.

Emancipation i seek.
Is this the answer the One above has for me?

If divine intervention has come,
is this what i want
or merely what i need?

And the reign of Eros and Psyche
Comes crumbling, like an avalanche.
Never to be rebuilt.

Sabreena: 18 July 2006

3am.

Various thoughts lingering in my head. I ought to be asleep really. But quiet nights like this with Buddha Bar accompanying me, i feel a surge of thoughts and emotions that needs to be penned down.

After you get your heart hurt so bad, and you start healing, you will begin to do one thing. You will be guarded, crawl into your shell and be wary and cautious. You will refuse to trust, and you will benchmark every person against the one you had.

You will compare tirelessly and endlessly the two people, their traits and personalities.

For so long i was searching for someone like me. And now, when he pops up in front of me, i don't want it. I'm incredibly detached and closed up, which is a v rare thing. Guarded to the point that i disgust myself.

Perhaps i'm just not ready. I refuse to allow any kind of emotional attachment to anyone. I don't trust, never did and never will.

I don't want to hurt you. I don't think someone as nice as you deserves crap from me like this. And God, you're so perfect for me, and you mirror me. But they say opposites attract.

But now, im just gonna hold back. If it happens, it will happen. If it was meant to be, it will be. So live, and be happy.

Happiness, is indeed a state of mind.

Cause love's just magical and always always worth laying down your life for.

back in action. very very soon, i promise!

There's so much to share, so many stories to tell..

Of my brother's op, of Khalid's car accident, of daddy in hospital.. But no words nor enthusiasm to be blogging long and lengthy entries.

Its been too tying, to the point of exhaustion and hopelessness

I'm trying hard to keep my faith intact cause that's all i have left.

Eid Mubarak dear friends, may this new year bring us hope, faith, happiness and strength.

My blog, my racy thoughts. My entitlement.
My perception is not your reality.



[ 24]
[ Cancerian ]
[ Dreamer]
[ Teacher ]
[ I feel therefore i am ]


Sabreena Serafina

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